What if….. Buffy Riffed on “Buffy” on MST3K?

Fans of Whedonopolis will soon see a review of the return of Mystery Science Theater 3000 on Netflix. The first season will be available on April 14th.

The Whedonverse connection to the show is none other than Felicia Day. She’ll play Kinga Forrester, who wants to be just as evil as her dad and grandmother. She wants to continue the tradition of driving some guy nuts by showing him terrible movies, and make it profitable somehow. Felicia’s come a long way from being a Potential on Buffy, the gal behind The Guild, and part of Dollhouse, Eureka and Supernatural.

Her henchman is TV’s Son of TV’s Frank, played by Patton Oswalt. He appeared in two episodes of Dollhouse and also wrote a special Serenity one-shot ,”Float Out,” for Dark Horse.

Now the show is known for unearthing really bad movies, even some that TV stations used to show late at night until cable took over and paid programming was invented. However, what if, in an unusual series of events, Jonah, Servo and Crow riffed a certain movie from 1992 about a cheerleader who’s told she was born to fight vampires?

Not only that, someone who DOES fight vampires shows up to give her blunt opinion about it?

I wrote some fan fiction that has Buffy mock the 1992 version of her, with help from Xander and Willow. Jonah and the bots eventually get their shot, and I even have Joss make a cameo by delivering a Trump joke.

The project is also too long for this website, so here’s a link to the MST episode that will never happen.

Here’s a few samples of how Buffy and her Scooby Gang would riff on this movie:

“Since the dawn of man…”
Buffy:  or about 25 years ago
She who bears the birthmark, the mark of the coven
Buffy:  That’s not where my birthmark is
“Written by Joss Whedon”
Buffy:  Gee, whatever happened to him?
(Xander and Willow look at her)
(whispers) Well, we know, but we’re not supposed to, remember?
Others: Oh yeah, ahem (starts whistling like Crow and Servo do)
Movie Buffy dreams of Slaying in a previous life.
Buffy:  Hey, where did this movie come from?
Xander:  Not so loud. You might scare it off.
Merrick: You bear the Mark of the Coven
Movie Buffy: What, that big old hairy mole? Ew, I had it removed
Buffy: (Yells at the movie) What kind of a Me are you?
(realizes what she just said) AAAHHH! Thanks a lot, movie
Then it’s Jonah’s turn:
Merrick tosses a knife at Movie Buffy. She catches it.
Merrick: Bravo.
Jonah: That proves nothing. She could be the chosen one for the LA Kings.
Buffy: I don’t want to spend the rest of my life chasing after vampires. All I want to do is graduate from high school, go to Europe, marry Christian Slater and die
Crow: Well, who wouldn’t want to be Mrs. Robot?
Let’s also force Kinga and Frank to riff, too. They do just fine, actually.
Lothos to Amilyn:  Honestly, I don’t know how you made it through the Crusades.
Frank:  Well, I wonder why I ever married you.
Kinga:  FRANK! How can…. well, actually…
Joss: That might be way ahead of its time.
Buffy body-slams a guy grabbing her butt
Kinga: Ronda Rousey in “50 Shades of Black and Blue”
(Joss and Frank look at her) I could’ve given a more obvious response.
Finally, this riff:
Buffy loses a boyfriend but gets Pike.
Pike:  You know, uh, Buffy, you’re not like other girls
Movie Buffy:  Yes I am
Buffy: Aside from the vampires and….. wait a minute…..
(stand up, looks up to the ceiling):  MOM, IS THIS HOW YOU MET DAD?
Jonah: Was it?
Buffy:  (sits down) I think so. She told me it happened to her in college.

Again, here’s the link to the MST3K/Buffy crossover. It may never happen, not even in the Framework world, but wouldn’t it be cool if it did?

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Post Author: David Mello

Worked nearly eleven years at a radio station as a board operator, news reader, and assistant producer for baseball broadcasts. Have been a staff writer for Whedonopolis since July 2008