Tearing Down The Cabin in the Woods (Spoilers)

Maybe the Ancient Ones didn’t emerge, or at least one was happy the sacrifice didn’t work this time.

Uh, are you two all right? Marty and Dana, right?

Yes, I know you are still kind of scarred and disoriented, from the blood bath at the Human Sacrifices Inc. bunker.

I’m one of the Ancient Ones who isn’t a big fan of blood and death like my fellow Ancient Ones. Maybe seeing people die horrible deaths is just getting dull for me.

Actually, I’m happy those Japanese kids managed to beat that demon. They must have recognized that the monster is a Grudge retread.

Dana and Marty, it’s time you knew. Your world is a horror movie.

You were right, Marty, you are not what you think you are, and you were manipulated by puppeteers. Or, as other people would call them, producers, directors, writers and best boys (whatever they are),

You are both part of a creation of a guy who wanted to make, as he put it, a loving hate letter to horror movies. Final Destination 5? Friday the 13th the 6th? Hostel 2? Please.

The point is, your world is the typical horror movie where some monster or crazy guy kills teens, then is finally defeated. Maybe. There’s usually a “good girl” who survives, but wonders if she’ll ever be safe again. That’s Dana’s job now.

Well, now you know this isn’t just a horror movie cliché. It’s how people think the world will be saved. You know, there was a time when people thought human sacrifices would guarantee sunrise. Now, they think it will give the Earth another year to live, which makes them more sophisticated and enlightened.

Joke’s on them, of course. THIS ISN’T REAL. This world’s one big fat metaphor about how Hollywood thinks it’ll make cash by scaring you foolish humans.

Take the cellar you guys explored in the second act. It’s filled with creepy things that really exist in that storage chamber that some called the Monster Manual. There was that cursed necklace, ugly Faberge egg, music box with a ballerina inside, and that diary that Dana read which revived the Buckner Family zombies. Can you imagine the underground crew actually wagering which of them would wind up killing you?

They all represent classic horror monsters. The ballerina turned out to be a girl who’s all mouth, or mouths. The egg was a beloved toy of that guy who had round saws in his head. The werewolf is for that stuffed wolf’s head that goofy blonde Jules French-kissed, and so forth. If you remember, there was a clown somewhere, creepy white masks that belonged to the people you met below, and a porcelain unicorn that you guys didn’t find.

So what about the crew that trapped you in your cabin? They’re a bunch of Seneca Crane impersonators who rigged everything so that they would make sure you sinned your way to death, or bungled your way to doom. Yes, I know the force field that killed Curt was a dirty trick, but you couldn’t leave alive. It’s a high-tech version of the hill folk from The Hills Have Eyes. They controlled everything, from the cellar to the outside temperature, from Jules’ hair dye to the destruction of the tunnel. They are good at what they do, which is to amuse us Ancient Ones with faces of death so that We allow Humanity to live another year.

Or at least that’s what we told their ancestors thousands of years ago. We’ve since lost our impact because of crosses, menorahs, new age chants, Buddhas and the like, but it only takes a few to keep the human sacrifice belief alive. That’s what provides their belief system, and the main plot of this movie, I mean world.

It also gives some commentary about human nature. While the Human Sacrifice crew thinks it’s OK to watch you guys through hidden cameras, Holden had the good sense to tell Dana about the two-way mirror. This proves he’s a gentleman for not wanting to see her in her bra–while the “puppeteers” couldn’t wait to see Jules’ bare breasts while she made out with Curt (which they manipulated, of course).

Besides, they forget you’re real people. That’s why the bald guy, Sitterson, called it the “greatest show on earth”. You’re a movie to them that they control. Ironic, since this is all a movie anyway. You know, they should have realized it’s only a movie. Why else did Sitterton admit that he was rooting for Dana to survive because she was determined to survive?

As for you guys learning that you’re part of a human sacrifice, I can see why Marty thinks a world that has to feed hungry gods shouldn’t exist. It makes the other religions look silly. Well, how you guys took care of the Director in the end, with the help of that one-armed young zombie, may have proved your point. It still released us Ancient Ones, ready to obliterate you foolish humans. Too bad they didn’t factor in pollution, global warming, or the fact that trying to emerge would make them fall apart. They’re kind of old. I’m surprised the big Hand of God got as far as it did.

I also think they should have gotten someone else as the Director. Sigourney Weaver wasn’t right for it. She’s more a sci-fi person. Jamie Lee Curtis or Courtney Cox… now that’s more like it. Christopher Lee had the job for a while. Rod Serling, too.

So your world is done, and so are we Ancient Ones. But we shall all live again. We will return every time they see our tale, whether in theaters, cable or even on those flat things with moving pictures and music. We will last for about 100 minutes, and then end… and then return again. This is our world, revived by another group of Ancient Ones that are much more powerful. They’re the ones who bring back deep dark tales of horror from Nosferatu to werewolves, ghosts to zombies, supernatural killers to evil dolls. They are the creators, and the ones who want to hear those tales, even if it scares them out of their wits.
We should be glad those people found us. We were really close to never being found at all

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Post Author: David Mello

Worked nearly eleven years at a radio station as a board operator, news reader, and assistant producer for baseball broadcasts. Have been a staff writer for Whedonopolis since July 2008